The Human Condition From the Animal’s Point of View
A -- An Alligator asked an Albatross to ascertain if an atom bomb was so absolutely necessary for any animal to access.
B—A big brown Bear in Boston was baffled: "Who would bake such a big bad bombe?"
C— A California Condor candidly commented: “If we keep on counting Crows-- who knows, maybe mass extinction isn’t convincing enough."
D-- A Dove from Dover, Delaware flew over and left an olive laurel, declaring that Peace is a hardly done deal.
E— Every Elephant in England suddenly expected everyone else to eliminate their ever-increasing urge for ivory. We all eavesdropped.
F— Four feathered friends from Capistrano found it non-fortuitous to swallow a fortune cookie on Good Friday the thirteenth, without a faux-paparazzi fanfare.
G— A Great Egret sent her regrets, yet let her grievances be known: What great new toy is the neutron boy constructing to destroy our sacred home this time?
H— A hopeful Hippo from Honolulu offered a haunting haiku:
Life and Death are lost and won.
Just as the wars we've just begun.
I— An ingenious Iguana insisted that the idiot was too ill-tempered to imperialize the world with impunity. Imagine.
J— A Jaguar argued that it was perfectly normal for people not to expect justice over Orange Juice.
K—A Kangaroo from the Queensland Zoo was hopping mad about a neurotoxin leak, so she kicked up a storm during Euro-Boxing Week.
L—Love Birds in lower Mazatlán launched a long list of pet peeves-- namely to leave the birds and Bees out of this, pretty please.
M—A maimed Manatee moaned in misery. Voting and speed-boating should be outlawed in Florida, for very hurried reasons.
N—No nets were spoiled in nabbing large numbers of Fish, just like no Bushells were used while netting huge oil profits.
O—Obviously, the Owl’s observations were the wisest: only Ostriches are allowed to bury their heads in the Arabian sand and get away with it.
P— A Parrot from Paraguay paraphrased it precisely: People shouldn’t put up with inept politics--even the Pope proof-reads his prayers.
Q—Quite frail, a female Quail requested that all male guests scramble their own eggs from now on. It just seemed quizzical.
R— Rambunctious Roosters ranted and raved about all the Chicken feed they would need to recoup their initial investments, just before they flew the coop with the total down.
S— A stark white Swan seemed so innocent, stuck in the muck of that sorrowful oil spill.
T—Ten Indian Tigers tried to stress the notion that trash doesn’t mix with ocean.
U— A Unicorn was unexpectedly well-versed in the unique ways the USA could undermine uranium expansion.
V—Veteran Vipers vented their vitriol about revolution and Vietnam animosities.
W— A wannabe Wallaby in Waco wallowed in a wet, wild-west fantasy. Whoa!
X—Every one (except me) was expected to express exuberance over this stubborn Oxymoron.
Y—Yaks yelled the most about their frozen assets and why it was better to burn the bread today, than yearn for toast tomorrow.
Z—A dozen zealous zebras zigzagged their fate, then fell exhaustedly into a Zen-like state. They finally realized that Led Zeppelin was past its zenith.
Johnathon Gallagher October 20, 2003